"What I am saying to you is I think my interview with Tova went very well, typical tabloid stuff from Stuff, but I went hard, that's who I am, I go hard and get things done. Right what's next?", beamed Christopher Luxon at his Press Secretary Hamish who looked ashen like he'd swallowed a cup of sick out of his own sweaty shoe.
Hamish lifted the lapel microphone off Luxon's jacket and pointed at Luxon's belt.
The red light on the attached remote audio transmitter flashed as every word spoken was received outside the room and recorded on the media camera.
"We are totally ruined!" breathed Hamish under his deathly breath, turning the device off and turning to Luxon.
"You should have cut it when we told you to. You got slayed out there", said Hamish like frost spreading over prickly grass.
It was not fair on the staff when Luxon screwed things up this badly and he was insufferably punch drunk stupid and the very definition of belligerent doggedness running full steam on a hamsters wheel.
"Hopefully they will agree not to replay your remarks about them being tabloid." growled Hamish, his brow furrowed like an angry storm brewing, as he strode off to return the remote sound gear to Tova.
"Was that still on?", said the Prime Minister as a penny dropped and vibrated to stillness on the wooden floor and the drapes could not bare to look.
"Well I thought it went well", reflected Christopher like he'd lost his mojo just for a moment .
"It is what it is and we are where we are", said Matthew his economic advisor from the Atlas Network.
"It was clearly tabloid", repeated Luxon, "With the greatest of respect she was as bad as Newshub where she comes from."
Matthew looked at the floor and then back up at Luxon.
"You probably should have known those stats about Police and what they are paid and how many have left, but whose job was that to brief you?"
"What are you saying Matt?", said Luxon, slightly triggered now.
"They let you go out there and she ate you up", said Matthew "I'd be pissed if I were you".
Somewhere inside Luxon's brain sparks flew like magnesium flares and circuits shorted - while armies of angry peptides flooded his bloodstream and his heart pumped faster as his slow moving rational mind was highjacked by his vain glorious amygdala.
"Oh come on, I toyed with her like a puppet, clearly she is just a tabloid muckraker working for a desperate tabloid, and with the greatest of respect your numbers have not been spectacular, I mean what the fark Matthew?" said Luxon returning to lip licking lounge lizard mode.
"I had them checked by Castalia", said Matt
"Clearly. What i would say to you is first the foreign buyers tax, then the interest deductibility and now the online casino tax. That's three strikes Matthew", said Luxon.
"It's a free market like the weather, don't sweat it, the market will solve all", said Matt, "Or do we need to take you to Switzerland again? Teach you the basics? ".
"You're an idiot", said Luxon walking away from the religious neoliberal Hayek blind faith.
"You got flamed not me", called Matt after him as he pulled out his cell to call Atlas Network HQ.
Matt swiped his cell and lifted it to his ear.
"Luxon got flamed by Tova, better run with the dead cat", said Matt.
"Who let him talk to Tova?" said the loopy German accent on the line.
"Who do you think", said Matt, "Anyway we need some flack in the air, this crap needs to be lost."
"It's that bad?"
"You don't want to know", said Matt like he'd just shut the door on a stinking toilet. .
"The dead cat. Okay", said the german voice at Atlas HQ, "I'll tell Bishop and you tell Jordan".
Matt ended the call as Hamish walked back in having successfully returned Stuff's sound gear.
"Ludicrous went that way" said Matt pointing at the back door.
Hamish left Matt to it and strode through the back door and down the steps out the back of the office.
Luxon stood alone, his back against the wall. He sucked a cigarette and exhaled smoke before coughing like a noob as Hamish approached.
"Put that out", said Hamish, "You don't smoke?"
"Casey Costello", coughed Luxon, "She and my sister in law at British American Tobacco. Don't tell anyone. Amanda does not know"
Hamish grabbed the cigarette and stamped it out with his foot.
"Luckily for us Stuff are only going to talk about what you said", said Hamish, "but now I'd better get Audrey to say you were great on those big boys toys and blow some smoke...", his words trailed off as he saw something like the last vestige of pride fall from Christopher's face.
"Up my arse? You think I need saving? Is that what you are saying " trembled Christopher about to have a big pity party breakdown.
"What I would say to you, fark", said Hamish stopping to find better words - now he was sounding like Luxon.
"All I wanted to do was to get my Knighthood and the Atlas club gets the profits", cried Luxon, "Why is it so hard? That is what I am saying to you?"
"Pull yourself together man", barked Hamish like an old English army sergeant.
"Just keep going, keep going forward, it will be over in twenty four hours. I don't know how to be any clearer...fark I need to stop doing that" growled Hamish.
So it was that Audrey wrote that it was good to see Christopher Luxon enjoying himself at the Central Districts Field Days in Feilding this week.
Claire wrote how Green issues are Labour issues. Thomas wrote that it was all Labour's fault whatever it was.
And Chris Bishop spat the dummy at Jordan right on cue but all media talked about was a Green MP and an allegation.
Sometime later G from G News picked up the penny off the wooden floor...and checked it was still recording.
"The old micro recorder disguised as a penny trick", said a nearby organic punga.
"The oldest trick in the book", said a flax bush remembering Maxwell Smart and 99.
"Typical Tova Tabloid at Stuff" warbled a majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT" and flying off to peck at Chris Bishop.
"Credit where credit is due, that was a hell of an interview from Tova", said G from G News.
"So many chickens coming home to roost", said Monty.
Satire - Inside Luxon's Inner Circle
G
Commentaires