Clearly and we've talked about this before, you want a PM who will level with you, so I've got to be straight with you and what I would say to you is clearly, on and on the rain will fall like tears from a star, how fragile we are, how fragile we are.
I have to be honest with you I made that up, and it was not a lyric by Sting, but if I did and when I do, let me very clear, I make tough choices because I am not here to tinker around, not with Winston and not with David, I am here to bring the change that they demanded I bring on behalf of irrational neo fascists, anti vaxxers, crony mates in the mining and fisheries industries, real estate millionaires and unreal ones, and clearly the Atlas Network.
If I was to be honest I know that's not popular, just like my teeshirt I use for Big Gay Out every year, which Mandy puts on the beige shelf beside my Waitangi Day speech, because there's misinformation about, clearly.
If Simeon says we have a $200 Billion hole in Transport after adding up the potholes and how much we spent on them, then I know who I believe because frankly with the greatest of respect, I will not be lectured by Chris Hipkins after all the economic vandalism be caused - that had nothing to do with Covid or the Cyclone or the War in Ukraine, or petrol prices, or global supply chain delays, or any of that tommy rot, clearly, that is what I am saying.
Those diplomatic protection guys sure do a good job, waving their arms about - especially when Tova is near me, clearly I never ran, I walked to the car, unlike Mandy who ball room danced like Nickelback - and I have to be honest and say neither of us wanted to hear about Genocide or Gay kids at school from gothic young women with placards.
Clearly we were not afraid, it was just a tough choice, and I've gotta tell you, my abs rippled like a six pack as I slammed my door shut and said get us the hell out of here and I changed into my $27,000 suit, another minority box ticked.
Strong? Clearly.
I applauded myself like I was Leo DeCrapdedoh saying "greed is good" on WallStreet, but also my friend Donald Trump, cos this is all a confidence trick to sell the deal.
Not a new deal, no none of that social democratic Kenysian interventionism, but the old neoliberal deal, the one embedded as a paradigm, you know the one, the one that Jessica never talked about, when she said, you've got to get to know him.
Clearly after using cue cards, I inspired everyone yesterday by just using the same old spin, and now we all understand the how not just the why.
So while we are being straight and not Gay, I am incredibly proud of how hard I have been working, the incredible speed with which I have read from my cue cards, painted the shed, given out $80 Christmas Presents in my PJs, pushed into queues at Onetangi, protected my family from a drunk teen throwing bottles on the roof of my multi million dollar bach, and taken more days off Question Time than anyone.
Clearly its time to be honest, and what I am saying very clearly to you is I had no idea who would be in that room, but there was Nicola, Chris Bishop, Simeon Brown and Sylvia in the reserved front seats, and I was more surprised than Gerry Brownlee to get such a warm reception.
I was not elected to manage decline even through the decline is in inflation, and a decline in government spending, and a decline in food prices and a 6% decline in Act's polling in only one week.
Those declines were baked in in projections from Treasury and the Reserve bank for like years now, and I've gotta say to you, clearly my job is to pretend it's my job to fix these things, but let me be very straight with you, I am a politician, you didn't expect honesty did you?
Monetary policy is a big stick so I made up a story it was mine to crack down with - you know focusing Adrian Orr on price stability - not maximum sustainable employment cos we do not believe in benefit dependency - even if the IT systems can't do social investment yet.
Yes I know what you are thinking , why did Erica pretend those 50,000 migrants were all low skilled and a useless mistake after she and I demanded we needed more kitchen chefs, hospo staff, fruit pickers and banged my shoe on the table about opening up the borders, and how we were not doing it fast enough?
I've gotta be straight with you, as a PM levelling with you, truth is we did not count on Chlöe pointing that out so fast on Breakfast this morning, but let's be clear, I've moved on, it was a tough choice, but I will not stand around and wait for miracles to happen when I could clap myself.
I got a standing ovation and Maiki said I was strong, stronger than the foundations of the ANZ, cos well whose going to get Jessica's job?
Not Katie, not BeenADick, you get me, cos I get it, I get everything - I get that you don't think I get it, I get it.
Well get this, I will not apologise for tough love and there will only be one store selling cigarettes in Northland if we don't sacrifice 8,000 lives and use Big Tobacco messaging. I will not stand by while people quit smoking, faster than they do now.
There comes a responsibility with your right to get addicted.
That's why we are raising prescription charges and stacking dairies with nicotine and the precursors for meth.
Breaking bad, yeah I get it. Clearly.
Finally, let me be clear, we've talked about this before, going forward, I have to be straight, fundamentally, what I am saying to you, I am obsessed with getting stuff done, which is why Mandy complains I never finish anything at home.
Those were not my Dad's jandals and I did break the Rāhui in my $250,000 amphibious boat.
Clearly these things may not be popular, but like Nicola, I am more fragile than the underwater ecosystem, and it's my job to clap myself and say contradictory things cos who knows what my slogans mean.
We will never get back on track, but we will definitely get back on track, the Atlas Network Track, where is the fire in your soul, no not in hell, in your ambition to own seven houses like me?
When I wake up in the morning I think of three things, how many houses I own, what speech I have to memorise today and what are all the poor people doing?
Clearly...I laugh out loud at that one as I pad around in my beige world in my fluffy slippers and Imported Atlas PJs, and make myself a think tank vitamin shake, as I get stuff done with my NZ Initiative advisers.
How can I harm the poor today or is it the natural world?
So many tough choices, clearly that is what I am saying to you, if I am to be honest, straight up and level with you, I will not run away from this, not like the BIG Gay Out, not like Waitangi, not like the Televised Debates, and not like Question Time.
Instead I will be strong like Maiki said I was.
Incredibly strong. Just what New Zealand needs in a PM.
Bang your hands together for me.
Clearly that is what I am saying to you.
Satire - Tough Choices
G
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