CHAPTER 1 - The Quest Begin
Once upon a time, a terrible pandemic spread all over the world, bringing death and disease to millions. So the people of a small set of Pacific Islands named Aotearoa formed a team of 5 Million and put aside all of their petty spiteful differences to temporarily live their lives inside a great fortress known as the Hermit Kingdom.
"But how will we live?" cried the peasants who knew nothing about pandemics, public health, epidemiologists, PPE, and other stuff like the OCR rate.
Fortunately for the hard working peasants inside the Hermit Kingdom the fair and famous Queen Jacinda of Love, Kindness and Humility ruled by popular decree and she would never raise a bed leg at her people, nor deliberately make them suffer.
Instead Queen Jacinda gave the peasants enough to get by on if they stayed at home, watched the telly, and did not go out to visit anyone - until the venerated medicine man, Ash of Bloomfield declared it was safe to get back to normal.
With much social cohesion and willingness to co-operate to save each other's skins ( and livelihoods) - the people of Aotearoa became seen to be the best kingdom in the world in a pandemic and Queen Jacinda was known as World Famous Queen Jacinda and respected by Kings and Queens all over the world for this and many other reasons.
Queen Jacinda was ever humble and acknowledged everyone, especially the loyal Knights of the Realm, Sir Grant and Sir Chippy of Hipkinsville - who made sure everything was safe and sound for everyone.
All was well inside the Hermit Kingdom for many months and hardly anyone hit each other with a bed leg - but slowly the seeds of greed and discontent began to spread like poison into the minds of some of the Self Centred Nobility.
The great walls around the Hermit Kingdom had stopped the traders, travellers and even the taverns from making bags of gold which after some time ...made the eyes of the Self Centred Nobles narrow with a festering hatred ...and they looked upon Queen Jacinda as an impediment to their self centred ambitions.
The Self Centred nobles were fed up with playing a small game and waiting for Ash of Bloomfield to decide everything.
He was their inferior and they strutted about in tight pants with growing contempt.
They wanted more bags of gold so they laid their secret plans to tear down World Famous Queen Jacinda and like scheming evil goblins, thugs and oafs - they did it all out of sight, in a town named Uffindell.
Chief among the haters from Uffindell was a grinning Punch and Judy Puppet named Sir John who had run away from the terrible mess he created for nine long years in Aotearoa a period known as "What the Hekia" by scholars. The days of What the Hekia were bad times - the times of under investment - before the lovely, fair and famous Queen Jacinda ruled the lands.
Nobody had seen the greedy puppet for years but sometimes it would spring up and make an appearance on the telly, yelling something about a "Hermit Kingdom and North Korea" before running away again, probably to Uffindell ( not Te Puke ).
Queen Jacinda only wanted to make things right, with the very first peoples of the land who had all their stuff stolen or ripped off, as well as the struggling peasants who did not have a fair pay agreement nor a living wage, but this kindness - really wigged out the Self Centred Nobility who were used to wage slaves scrubbing their floors for a pittance.
So it was, that in these days of pestilence and greed, that a man named G and a three thousand year old talking Cat named Mr Louis, drank whisky and discussed the state of things in a small shotgun shack on the side of a hill, covered in native bush.
"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you are finished", said Mr Louis curled around a candle stick.
"I haven't been on an adventure away from this island for over a year", said G from G News, packing a suitcase on his bed.
The ink well and feather stood alone on the writing desk, because now it was time for G from G News to finally go on a mission, to the dark town of Uffindell, to try to discover the secret plot to bring down Queen Jacinda and save the peasants from years of unnecessary suffering under the cruel rule of the Self Centred Nobility.
"Come on Mr Louis", said G standing at the door, "Let's go and find out what's really happening in Uffindell before they mess up everything good about this place with their self centred evil minds."
"You're not going anywhere without us", said an organic punga with his hiking boots on.
"I don't think you've got any choice son", insisted a flax bush smoking a pipe.
"I'll stay home you go", warbled a majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT !!!" and flying up onto a nearby Manuka tree ready for a new adventure.
"Home is a place you grow old wanting to get back to", said Mr Louis putting down his empty whiskey glass, and walking out the door, with his furry tail swaying in the air.
That cat is so decisive.
G from G News, gently closed the door to his G News shack, surrounded by the beautiful living forest - and for a moment he held on to the handle. He might not come back the same person, he might never come back - but he had to do this, for the sake of everything good in this world.
Everything that Queen Jacinda the kind had done was at stake.
He let go of the door and faced the long and winding road to Uffindell, - just G, the talking cat, an organic punga, a weed smoking flax bush and a most majestical Tui.
"What could possibly go wrong?", laughed the flax bush as it eased on down the road.
END OF CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2 - An Unexpected Mentor
In the days of pestilence and greed, during the final months of the great pandemic, a poisonous hatred filled the minds of many across Aotearoa towards world famous Queen Jacinda of Kindness - and G had left G News on a quest to discover the plot against the lovely Queen who had saved so many lives - which he was sure was coming from the dark town of Uffindell.
For three days and nights G, Mr Louis the talking cat, the organic punga, the weed smoking flax bush and the majestical Tui - made their way across the vast "Whats the matter" harbour, past the dead wagons of Britomart that never ran on time, up dale and down dale, along the Great South Road, past the stone statue of Jude the Ripper in Pukekohe, over the Cabbage Fields on the Bombay hills and down country until they came to the town of PōkeMyBro famous for its bacon, where they stopped to rest at the Inn of the Prancing Know it All.
Inside the Inn, rough men from the south discussed how they knew all along that galant Sir Ian Foster was the right coach for the All Black jousting team, while G tried to book a room for the night with the Inn Keeper, a right royal little prick named Leo Molloy who had to stand on an apple box to see over the bar.
"One room will do", said G through his mask, " but I'll need a place to water my horses" pointing at the organic punga and the flax bush.
"We are not horses", said the organic punga.
"We are indigenous flora", demanded the flax bush.
"Take that mask off, what are you a Labour soft cock?" growled Leo, pointing at a sign on the wall which read,
"No Labour soft cocks".
"Step into the ring with me" warbled the majestical Tui on G's shoulder before flying up into the air and yelling "YEAH RIGHT" and diving down across the bar, flashing its razor sharp beak and clawing at Leo's face.
"Get em off me. Get em off." yelled Leo covering his eyes and protecting his eighties hair cut like a tough talking right wing jockey who had just fallen off his rocking horse.
G gave the majestical Tui an old fashioned look - which immediately restored the peace as the majestical Tui perched back on G's shoulder and cocked its head at the little prick, who now looked a grumpy pin cushion.
G kept his mask on and said, "Just one night then we'll be gone".
Leo Molloy begrudgingly handed over the room keys .
"Alright one night only. Take your horses around the back, then bugger off."
Mr Louis walked into the crowded establishment swishing his furry tail saying, "History doesn't talk about quitters but it does talk about whisky".
So it was, that hours later at the bar, on his 23rd whiskey, when Mr Louis explained to all the know it alls - how the Sphinx of Giza was really his maternal great grandfather who had no time for right wing pharaohs - that the doors to the Prancing Know it all - burst open and in strode TVNZ 1 News town cryer Jessica MuckinMyEye
.
Unfurling a scroll marked with the seal of the Self Centred nobility, MuckInMyEye read out the proclamation.
"Hear yeah, hear yeah, a poll has been taken and it's not what that evil Queen Jacinda would want to hear".
The Inn of the "Prancing Know It All" erupted in cheers as the rough men of the south were not too clever and had memories like goldfish.
"For the first time the Self Centred Nobility have taken the lead and with the help of the Racist Right they could govern alone", declared Jessica trembling with joyful excitement at the idea of the future suffering of brown skinned children.
The rough men of the south danced on tables celebrating how soon the World Famous Queen Jacinda who had saved all their lives would be gone forever, while Jessica MuckInMyEye waited in vain for the chance to go over the numbers.
"They couldn't run a bloody bath, they cannot run this show
They're all a pack of communists, Jacinda has to go", sang the know it alls in loud voices.
With all the shouting, singing and cheering - G put down his beer and put his mask back on...a fateful decision that suddenly brought the bar to silence.
"What are you doing here?" said a southern man pointing at G as everyone now noticed the stranger in this town who dared to wear a mask in a crowed indoor venue during a pandemic.
"Take if off" hissed the flax bush leaning through the window.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself", said a hooded figure in the corner who had been watching proceedings.
G raised his hand to stop the majestical Tui, and took off his mask.
The bar returned to normal as MuckInMyEye talked up the numbers in the background.
"Who are you?", said G to the hooded figure.
"They call me dirty chippy, a ranger of the last days of the pandemic and controller of violent crime beyond your border, but you may know me as Sir Chippy of Hipkinsville", said the hooded stranger unveiling his shining blonde hair for just a few seconds.
"We are on our way to Uffindell", said G to the famous brave Knight of the Realm.
"I know all about your quest", said Dirty Chippy placing his hood back over his golden mane.
"I've been sent to make sure you get there, you have no idea what seeks you. Let's get you out of sight."
The organic punga looked at the flax bush and blurted out, "She sent him she did it, omg we are famous"
"Shut up" said the flax bush, "This isn't about us, this is about the future of the great country of Aotearoa and all the good that is left in this world".
"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time but its time I called it a night", said Mr Louis putting down his empty glass on the bar.
And so it was much later that dark night, our friends G, Mr Louis the talking cat, the organic punga, the weed smoking flax bush and the most majestical Tui sat together - before the slow dying embers in the stoney fireplace in a nearby room - while Chippy kept watch out the window, watching and waiting for the inevitable arrival of the Slater Nat Trolls.
End of Chapter 2 - the unexpected mentor
Chapter 3 - A narrow escape
"They used to be greedy capitalist pigs many years ago, riding rich on the backs of tax payer money until they grew too bold and too greedy during the period known as the WhatTheHekia and were struck down by Nicky Hager with his book Dirty Politics", explained Chippy beneath his hood as he stared out the window, deep into the dark of the night at The Prancing-Know-It-All in PokeMyBro.
"If they were once capitalist pigs what are they now?" asked G from G News as he sat in an arm chair munching Whittakers chocolate beside Mr Louis the talking cat as the embers grew dim in the stony fireplace.
"They are Slater Nat Trolls, half capitalist pig, half giant chicken shit and they ride on giant wild boar now to find you." said Sir Chippy listening intently to something on the air.
"But why us?" demanded an organic punga in the corner of the room.
"He aha ai?" breathed a flax bush watching G eat that chocolate.
"Put down that chocolate", said Chippy pulling back the wrapper to reveal it had Te Reo words on it. "They can sense the first language, be very quiet".
"YEAH RIGHT", said a majestical Tui on the mantlepiece.
A blood curdling scream echoed from somewhere outside the gates of PokeMyBro as the nine Slater Nat Trolls galloped full steam on the backs of giant wild boar, smashing the town gate open and pulling up outside the Prancing Know-it-all.
"Stay still, don't move a muscle", whispered Chippy throwing three waters on the embers and all in the room fell silent like National Party staffers in a scandal.
Downstairs Leo Molloy shivered with fear under his bar as the shadows of the Slater Nat Trolls loomed on the walls and heavy footsteps creaked on the floor boards while the Slater Nat Trolls dripped with racist hatred on their way to destroy G News.
Time took an age to move forward as fear dripped like sweat from the walls as the Slater Nat Trolls finally gathered in the darkness, and rising up in a frenzy of hatred - together they stabbed their steely Nat knives down into the well made fact beds - but something was wrong. The Slater Nat Trolls screamed in searing pain as the deep Labour magic of the white fragility Whittakers chocolate bars hidden under the sheets now burned their eyes and rendered them blind with the dazzling truth they cannot allow themselves to see.
"The white fragility, it's burning their eyes out", said an organic punga.
"They can't handle the truth that Te Reo is our official language", said a flax bush with a huge grin.
"Hurry now" urged Chippy waving the band of five travellers to follow him now - out a secret passage that led down - under the town and out onto the hill side beyond.
Chippy knew all the secret ways after years of experience.
So it was that G from G News ran hard after Chippy across the lush countryside of Aotearoa under the starry sky, as Mr Louis bounded along beside him followed by the organic punga, the flax bush and the majestical Tui.
"The Slater Nat Trolls will take form again by tomorrow's sunset, we need to put many miles between them and us", said Chippy pointing the way to a bubbling river in the valley below.
"The River of Co-Governance", said G from G News, remembering the scrolls of Te Tiriti and the spirit of partnership that all fair minded folk agreed with.
"Water is wet, did you know that Captain Obvious?", said Mr Louis who was absolutely not keen on a bath right now.
"You've got to do it for all that is good that is left in the world Mr Louis", said G from G News but Mr Louis was not impressed and shook his furry head.
"If you can't do it for the world, do it for Queen Jacinda and all she has done for you", implored G, "Do it for extra cat biscuits"
"And they said Sharma was bullied?", said Mr Louis seeing protest was futile and how there would be no inquiry into this brutal bullying and manipulation.
"Okay but only this time", agreed Mr Louis.
Soon the five arrived out of breath - on the river bank ready to swim for it, but Chippy put his fingers to his mouth and whistled a strange flute like whistle that made the blossoms on the trees glow pink and gold in the darkness all along the river.
A magical whistle came back from the trees and a mystical Huia landed beside Chippy, and they spoke in magical musical tones before the mystical Huia flew away into the dark marshes where the reeds parted and a waka from the beginning of the world emerged.
HOLY SHIT BALLS !!! said G from G News.
"Get in" said Chippy to G from G News, "Let's do this".
"Where are we going?" asked G from G News.
"To Uffindell, it's my job to get you there safely", replied Chippy as he pushed the ancient waka deep into the middle of the River of Co-Governance and the band of five travellers dipped their paddles into the deep waters of guardianship and sustainability.
"I sure hope we get to Uffindell soon", said the organic punga who was not used to so much water so near to his roots.
"What is that on the river bank?" asked a flax bush seeing something writhing and wriggling in the mud behind them.
"That's the Matua Goldsmith the bespectacled ferret", said Chippy, he's been following you for two days.
"What does he want?", said G from G News.
"He's a vicious wounded animal, a wretched creature responsible for Don Brash and his speech in Orewa in 2004, but now after those $4 billion dollar holes in 2020, he wants something you've got", said Chippy.
"What do I have?", said G from G News looking back at the shiny glint of the Bespectacled Ferret's wire glasses as it struggled to keep up as the waka powered downstream.
"Credibility comes from acting in others interests before your own", said Mr Louis, who was quite dry and able to see perfectly ahead in the dark now.
"Let's keep moving", said Chippy as he dipped his paddle and the waka surged downstream towards Uffindell under the cover of the starry sky.
"Well that was a narrow escape", said the organic punga
"We've still got to get to Uffindell and we've still got to discover the plot to overthrow Queen Jacinda by the selfish nobility", said a flax bush.
A plot so National it could have been conjured straight out of the Cats Bum.
If only they knew what secrets awaited them there, they might not have been in such a hurry, but for now they were making great progress.
END OF Chapter 3 - A narrow escape
Chapter 4 - A growing sense of unease
By the light of the silvery stars, the cosmic green eyes of Mr Louis the talking cat stared into the inky blackness ahead, as he sat on the bow of the waka from the beginning of the world - and glided along the river of co-governance on the way to the outskirts of Uffindell.
Mr Louis could sense a subtle change in energy along the way as if the land was dying and the trees were sighing in heavy whispers no human ear could hear.
Something only a three thousand year old talking cat can sense.
There was a growing sense of unease in the fabric of things as the Selfish nobility set about poisoning everything with their hateful spite for Queen Jacinda and all her good work that got in the way of their lust for gold.
All that was good was being infected like a cancer sold by former tobacco salesmen and Mr Louis could feel a disturbing sense of malice rising in the land as the ancient waka glided on towards Uffindell where sphincters were tight with meanness and greed and eyes bulged with ignorant racism in peanut sized skulls.
Chippy dipped his paddle into the fresh black water as the first pink fingers of sunlight flickered like a Pink Floyd light show over the ragged edge of the Jim Morrison silhouetted hills.
The land here was under an evil spell - and the wairua of the whenua was sick with racism and misogyny, flowers hung dead like broken innocence raped of all potential, and the stench of ignorance sucked the joy from the wonders of harmonious, interconnected life.
"Where is the love?", thought Mr Louis like a sphinx casting lyrics out into the Universe for a future band to make a song from, as the bow of the waka cut a wake in the dark still waters.
A wake that rippled out like an arrow as the waka sped onwards.
At the stern of the waka G from G News dreamed that he was back from a magical holiday and was typing on a keyboard about some political parody, while the organic punga dreamed he was taller than the flax bush and the flax bush dreamed it had fingers and toes as well as a fine voice for opera and an eye for some real sexy native wood.
The company of G News had travelled all night and now as some slumbered in the last hours before day break - they were many leagues downstream from PokeMyBro where the nine Slater Nat Trolls had been rendered blind by the searing truth rays from the Whitakers White Fragility chocolate bars.
Chippy twisted the blade in the churn of the Co-Governance waters and the ancient waka turned to a small bay on the shore and it drifted slowly up upon the smooth grey river stones.
"Same as it ever was, same as it ever was", warbled a majestical Tui on the stern, before flying into the air and yelling, "YEAH RIGHT".
The nudge of the ancient waka upon the river stones woke G from his slumber - and the others woke to realise they had only been dreaming, as Mr Louis bounded onto dry land, his paws padding over the smooth river stones, until he stopped and sniffed the air.
It smelt like racism here.
Racism, greed and the terrible sadness of silent victims hung in between things like headlines in a newspaper for negative people.
"Let's keep moving", said Chippy striding over the river stones and beckoning the company follow him into the FuckYou Forest.
"Isn't this the FuckYou Forest?", asked the organic punga with sudden alarm after recalling hearing stories about relationship breakdowns inside this very forest.
"No it's the FūckYōu Forest", replied the flax bush who was a stickler for correct vowel pronunciation.
"This place feels wrong", said G from G news, "It's wronger than wrongness wronging around in wrong land and it's getting wronger the closer we get to Uffindell".
"The worst distance between people is misunderstanding", said Mr Louis detecting some hidden resentment very nearby.
"Why must you always correct me in front of others" hissed the organic punga at the flax bush, "I'm not a clever fern but I know what love is".
"Well pardon me for being me and saying what I really think", said the flax bush feeling unfairly attacked and shut down.
"Life's a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get", warbled a majestical Tui, before yelling "YEAH RIGHT".
"Say that again to my face", said the flax bush.
"It's the Forest, it's making you fight each other like spoilt overly sensitive children. Let's not fight over such childish things. We must all stick to the path, if you stray off the path, even just a little, you may be lost forever in a fuck you bad mood and nobody will try and find you", warned Chippy as he stepped into the trees.
"Fuck yooooou", warbled a majestical Tui before realising he was not being funny, out of order, bad timing really - and it was best to just shut up on this occasion.
"Sorry" said the flax bush to the organic punga, "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Let's do this?".
"I was never very good at macrons anyway", said the organic punga with a smile, realising he liked being at peace with his friend more than being offended about a minor learning opportunity.
"It's a day's march to the other side of the Fuck You Forest and then half a day to the outskirts of Uffindell", said Chippy as he led the winding way ahead of G from G News, the flax bush, the organic punga, Mr Louis and the majestical Tui.
So it was they followed the trusted Knight of the Realm of Queen Jacinda - in single file through the Fūck Yōu forest undergrowth, trying hard to get along and stay on the narrow path ahead.
Soon G from G News could hear the giggling of a forest stream bubbling and flirting somewhere up ahead.
"HOLY SHIT BALLS what is that?", gasped G from G News as he emerged behind a giant Exiled Sharma tree and pointed ahead at a giant bulbous Nat PR Frog sitting on the bridge over a bubbling brook, blocking the way ahead.
"It's Janet Wilson, beware her poisonous Nat Party tongue" said Chippy with his hand on the handle of his glowing Ministerial Sword.
The giant Nat PR frog slid its sticky wet tongue into the air and snapped at the feet of the majestical Tui like a bull whip cracking, as the Tui took expert evasive manoeuvres.
"Who are you and what business do you have here in my forest?" croaked Janet Wilson, the giant Nat PR frog eyeing up G from G News and his company.
"Our business is our own", said Chippy, "Now let us pass or I will make you, Nat PR frog".
The giant Nat PR frog roared with laughter like it had heard that sort of talk before from Bill Ralston the pimply piper of poor election results past.
"Nobody makes me do anything", chortled the giant Nat PR frog, "not unless you are under the command of Sir John from Uffindell and by the look of you I'd say you are a very long way from home Mr Chippy of Hipkinsville. But who is that behind you? Labour supporters aren't you? Well for you, the chase is over".
"I really don't have time for this", said Chippy throwing his sword straight through the giant Nat PR frog's mouth cleaving it into two equal parts that fell to opposite way sides - like slices of ugly that splashed in the bubbling brook.
"OMG it stinks", said G from G news.
"Odours have a power of persuasion stronger than words" said Mr Louis running straight over the bridge past the dead frog to get downwind as fast as possible.
"Come on, let's keep moving", said Chippy wiping his blade, as he stepped past the dead PR frog and crossed the bridge .
The others followed on behind him in a world of mildly traumatised silence and awe.
"It's all about implementation and delivery", whispered the organic punga
"And getting things done", replied the flax bush.
"We're now approaching the Sharma grove, teamwork is important here, because the Sharma trees can't handle any form of team work", said Chippy.
Would the company of G News travellers make it past the perils of the Sharma Grove and out of the FūckYōu Forest and go on to discover the plot to over throw Queen Jacinda somewhere in the heart of Uffindell?
Even the wisest cannot say.
The success of the mission now lay upon a knife's edge, and required that everyone stick to the rules and work together as a united team, or all that is left that is still good in this world might perish and be destroyed by the selfish nobility and their insatiable greed for more gold.
"Things are finally getting interesting", said the organic punga feeling ready for more adventure.
"All for one and one for all", said a flax bush looking at the Sharma trees standing on media soap boxes up ahead.
End of Chapter 4 - A growing sense of unease
Chapter 5 - The gauntlet of Sharma Grove
Chippy, the brave Knight of the Realm of Queen Jacinda raised his hand signalling for the G News company behind him to stop on the narrow safe path through the enchanted Fūck Yōu Forest where straying from the path even just a little would lead to broken relationships, bad moods, and petty sulking in righteous victimhood forever.
The G News company of travellers had narrowly escaped the Nine Slater Nat Trolls in PokeMyBro and travelled overnight by ancient waka down the co-governance river to the edge of the dangerous Fūck Yōu forest which they had boldly entered and bravely crossed a bubbling brook guarded by a giant Nat PR Frog.
Chippy had slain the frog because he didn't have time for endless Nat spin with Nine Slater Nat Trolls somewhere far behind them in pursuit - but now the company faced the perilous gauntlet of Sharma Grove where many had fallen into the bleating trap of eternal victimhood under the spell of the Sharma Trees who stood bleating about bullying on media soap boxes along both sides of the narrow path ahead.
"Listen carefully to the foul sound on the wind", said Chippy as G from G News, Mr Louis the talking cat, the flax bush, organic punga and majestical Tui all stood still on the path - and tuned into the rustling sounds vibrating from the bleating Sharma Trees standing on media soap boxes ahead.
"Bully bully bully, I want an inquiry", bleated the Sharma Trees as they vigorously shook their ever-groaning needles in a restless manic desire for revenge over some minor pruning years ago at the hands of one of the fabled bearded tree herders named McAnulty of yore.
"They're singing a sad song and sad songs say so much" said G from G News catching the chorus...
"Bully Bully Bully
I want an inquiry
Bully Bully Bully
I'm the victim can't you see
Bully Bully Bully
I hate Kieran McAnulty
Bully Bully Bully
Poor, poor little old me
"They are worse than Yoko on acid", said Mr Louis blocking his ears with his paws. "Why are they all standing on media soap boxes anyway?
"Compensating. They're even shorter than me", said the organic punga stretching his trunk.
"Have you never heard of an amplifier?", said the flax bush like he ran a music shop with no Stairway,
"The media soap boxes only make them louder"
"But what are the media soap boxes doing here in the middle of this evil forest anyway?", persisted G from G News.
Chippy turned around and looked the G News company in their five sets of eyes with a deadly serious stare, almost like Matty McLean at Breakfast, only with brains behind it.
"To err is human, to forgive divine. Everyone makes mistakes, most admit it, unlike the Sharma trees who cannot accept they make mistakes at all. They refuse help and always will. They think they are perfect. They shift the blame and have no evidence for their claims. They hate teamwork and cannot abide by any legitimate criticism. They cannot be coached nor helped. It's been proven hundreds of times and all who tried failed. It's vital you do not react to their bleating about bullying for if you stop to look at them, or give them any sympathy about their welfare - they will be bundle you up in their branches and suck you down underground, labelling you a bully forever and they will strangle you with their self righteous roots, and you will all be turned into Act Party worm food", said Chippy gravely.
"HOLY SHIT BALLS", said G from G News who could not imagine anything worse than being Act Party worm food.
"Act worms are not going to eat us, not on this day", said Mr Louis keen to be a team player and get past the gauntlet of the Sharma Grove on this sacred mission to get to Uffindell and discover the plot to over throw Queen Jacinda.
"We are going to have to run together like a united team, eyes down on the path ahead, no comments, no stopping. Do not break ranks. Do not stop running. Do you understand?" - warned Chippy.
"No I don't understand", warbled a majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT" which was totally unnecessary but mildly amusing to the slightly rebellious by nature flax bush.
"We understand", said G from G News as the majestical Tui perched back on his shoulder and all prepared mentally for the upcoming ordeal.
"Alright then", said Chippy, "Follow me, and don't stop running until I stop. Keep your eyes on the ground, cover your heads, let's do this."
"Bully Bully Bully", bristled the Sharma Trees beating their branches together violently like beg legs and baseball bats - as the G News team came running towards them along the narrow forest path.
"Left, left, left" yelled Chippy as the team locked stride and ran full speed through the Sharma gauntlet, heads down and eyes on the path below.
The Sharma Trees bleated loudly and beat their branches down violently like a tornado of victimhood on the heads of the company, smashing, cracking and bashing, whacking hard to knock one off the path, to get a reaction, looking to split the team and defeat their mission and destroy Queen Jacinda while the media soapboxes made the song so loud it nearly split the eardrums of all living things in miles.
On and on down the path ran Chippy, followed by G from G News hands over his head, Mr Louis bounding over "poor me I am perfect" shoots that shot out across the path.
The organic punga and flax bush stepped fast over "ongoing expensive inquiry" sticks, while the majestical Tui flew like Top Gun, spinning and swerving to avoid the violent vengeful bashing branches that flashed like chomping teeth before it.
"Let's keep moving, left left left", yelled Chippy to those behind - as more media soap boxes popped up from the Fūck Yōu Forest floor ahead on each side of the narrow path.
Short prickly Sharma trees sprinted up alongside, jumping up on top of the newly emerged media soap boxes, trying to get a good bash in and bully the G News company into Act Party worm food.
Ever the team ran on, hard and united, determined to stick to the path and do right so that all that was good in this world might still be saved from the poison of the Selfish nobility.
For nearly a league the team endured the beatings of the Sharma Trees assisted by the media soapboxes but still they moved forward like one team.
Suddenly a speakers voice boomed across the Forest
"If you are not finished then Sit down", said the voice, "This is not about you".
The Media Soap boxes instantly vanished below ground as if they had been caught out going way too far.
The Sharma Trees fell over in a pile of bleating and wailing without a platform, like left over short Christmas Trees on Boxing Day, yelling "Bully Bully Bully" on the ground.
"They've stopped", yelled the organic punga running on.
"I don't trust them", said the flax bush, who had torn some of his older outer leaves and only now felt the pain in its sap as it kept on moving.
After putting some distance between the flailing Sharma Grove Drama on the ground behind them - the G News company were now exhausted and needed a minute to rest - for pity's sake.
Chippy looked back on the forest path they had all come through with some satisfaction - as the five team members caught their breath after such a harrowing experience.
"That was great teamwork", beamed Chippy, "You did good, all of you".
"What was that voice?" asked G from G News.
"Fair and wise, it was the Rawawhe, the life force of the first peoples, oldest of creatures - he has spoken and they dare not defy him", said Chippy, "Something serious must have made him speak".
"Thank goodness. Those Sharma Trees need counselling", said G from G News catching his breath and ignoring all the cruel scratches on his arms and legs.
"That was quite impressive for a bunch of Labour supporters", said a smooth female voice from somewhere high in the forest canopy above the team.
Mr Louis looked up and detected a faint wiff of cannabis as Chlöe, a graceful Green Elf put her pipe in her belt and swung lightly to the ground like a wealth tax and a rent freeze in a cost of living crisis.
"Teamwork is always good to see.", said Chlöe as she eyed Chippy with some admiration despite their minor policy differences facing the common foe.
"Good to see you friend", said Chippy who was almost entirely on the same side as the Green elves anyway.
"We must remain united as friends in these troubled times", said Chippy stating the obvious to the clever elf who was not tempted by power.
"Yes it's all about speed. I can help you with those wounds if you follow me to the Green Woods on the edge of the forest?" offered Chlöe with pin point clear eyes despite the traces of herbal smoke still wafting in the branches above.
"OMG it's a real Green elf", blurted the organic punga almost blushing with delight to see a real one, admiring her fine elven features and smooth light footed speech which was ever so clever to listen to.
"A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better", said the Flax Bush pleased at the prospect of some medical marijuana to ease the pain in its torn outer leaves.
"What's this, a writer caught without his pen?", said Chlöe to G from G News as she looked him up and down.
"We have met before", said G, "but you may not recall me".
"I never forget even the least amongst us", said Chlöe turning to Chippy about the next steps.
"We have much to discuss, come meet my Co-Leaders" said Chlöe to Chippy, "they bid you welcome and knew of your presence for some time now".
So it was that Chippy, Chlöe and the G News party set out together - along the narrow path through the Fūck Yōu Forest, lucky to survive the harrowing gauntlet of the Sharma Grove, and now eager to learn tidings from the co-leaders of the Green Wood Elves - only a league ahead on the edge of the Fūck Yōu Forest.
"I can't wait to meet the Green elves", said the organic punga, "Do you think they'll do any magic tricks?".
"I can't wait neither", said the Flax bush thinking about another kind of Green magic entirely.
End of Chapter 5 - The gauntlet of Sharma Grove
CHAPTER 6 - A nasty shock
Far below the leaves, down on the dry narrow path, the light footed feet of Chlöe the high elf of the Green Woods stepped silently along the narrow path, followed by Chippy, brave Knight of the Realm of Queen Jacinda and the G News band of travellers, all close behind in a loose single file.
The Organic Punga blushed with childlike admiration every time it secretly cast its eyes upon the sunsilk hair of fine featured elven Chlöe up ahead.
"I bet that didn't happen overnight, but it did happen", said the organic punga to the flax bush who was still nursing torn leaves after running the Sharma Gauntlet.
"In a contest of ideas, I admire their intellect and passion, not their hair", said the flax bush who believed there was a sound reason for everything and that there were good explanations for most phenomena in the world, including the healing power of some plants.
Green Elves were commonly thought to be magical creatures, rarely seen, who cared more than deeply for the welfare of indigenous flora and fauna, and the Organic Punga could feel the interconnected vibe in Chlöe's aura as it followed her with an enchanted smile like a Trumpet icecream in a sports car, at a beautiful Aotearoa beach in the Summertimes of old.
After many hours of walking at a steady rate the gnarly trees of the Fūck Yōu Forest gradually began to thin out and the path grew wider and lighter, while paper butterflies and pixie fairies now fluttered in the air that had earlier been still and dead.
Mr Louis the talking cat, detected an invisible presence in the green trees ahead, as if someone was watching and listening high above.
"The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible", said Mr Louis, sensing all would soon be revealed.
"I'm a tree, I'm a tree", warbled the majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT" and shaking its head in knowing skepticism.
"You are about to enter the Green Wood on the edge of the Forest. The malice of the Selfish Nobility has no power here", said Chlöe, smiling at the branches above, where Green Wood elf warriors blended into the canopy with perfect camouflage.
"The houses here are sustainably afforded by all the elves, we take no more than we need and we always have plenty to give back", said Chlöe but her voice trailed away.
"If only it were true everywhere", said Chippy who had seen terrible poverty wrought upon the common folk at the hands of the evil Sir John Puppet in the period known as the WhatTheHekia before the terrors of the plague.
Queen Jacinda had done much good work to help the common folk but the plague had been a difficult time and now everything seemed more expensive as supply could not keep up with demand.
"Marama, Lady of the Green Woods bids you welcome and brings you tidings about the world outside", said Chlöe coming to the trunk of a massive mother tree.
So it was that Chippy and the G News company were led by Chlöe up a spiralling stairway to the Grand Tree House of Democracy, high in the mother tree of the Green Woods where Lady Marama stared across the tree tops all the way across the forest to the outskirts of Uffindell.
"Sir Chippy, G from G News, Mr Louis...and you too", said Lady Marama with a warm smile to the organic punga, flax bush and majestical Tui, "You have come a long way and I wish I had better news to tell you all, but the world now stands on a precipice, and all living things face an uncertain future"
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near", blurted the organic punga, remembering what Jim once said but speaking out of turn with so many elves all in one place.
The flax bush nearly died of embarrassment but Lady Marama smiled seeing the humour like a river of empathy sees everything.
"Where is Lord James Shaw?" asked Chippy looking around the room at all the serious elven faces.
"He will be here soon. He has been touring the country after his leadership was challenged by those of us who want more urgency about the peril." said Lady Marama looking directly at G from G News.
Marama's voice spoke inside G's head and said,
"Welcome G from G News, one who has seen the lie"
"Schizophrenia is nothing to be ashamed of", smirked Mr Louis as if he heard that voice too - and was poking fun.
"He gets cheeky, like this when he hasn't had his cat biscuits", said G unsure what else to say really as Lady Marama scanned his intentions, then changed her attention to the flax bush.
"Bring Kawakawa leaves, Manuka honey and some medical marijuana", said Lady Marama to a nearby physician Elf after seeing the Flax Bush was concealing great pain.
"We will go faster, we had a slow start, but we will catch up with time", admitted Chippy, "Queen Jacinda sends you her total support and thanks you for your efforts to fight the common foe."
"Lord James Shaw is here now" said Lady Marama pointing to the back of the Tree House of Democracy where two doors flew open and Lord James Shaw boldly marched in with a troop of warrior elves.
"Time, what time do you think we have? Open war is upon us, the nine Slater Nat Trolls have reached the far edge of the forest last night. Lord Luxon's tight's have grown tighter still and his balls are gripped in Sir Johns evil schemes. Luxon is building an army in Te Puke of Spinning Nat Trolls all lusting for a tax cut.
Thugs and bullies have taken over Uffindell and fat economists make bad economic predictions there. The media have been infected with self interest and turned on Queen Jacinda to sell Luxon's messages. He plans to stop people converting coal boilers to new clean energy. He plans to drill for evil spirits under the sea, even while there are whales and dolphins beaching, floods and washed out roads, droughts and dried up rivers, extinctions, forest fires, hurricanes, tornadoes and rising sea levels. The foundations of the Earth can no longer cope with the dark magic of the selfish Nobility and their decades of denying science. They are possessed by the demon forces of greed and short term profits that drives them. The days of men may be numbered Sir Chippy unless you act swiftly with the greatest haste." - declared Lord James Shaw in a loud but calm voice as he strode to the front of the room and took his place beside Lady Marama.
"What can we do against such vile madness"", said the Flax Bush sucking on a pipe of white rhino weed and feeling much better in his limbs already.
"We must defend the realm from Lord Luxon strutting in his tights and the evil Sir John Puppet so that Queen Jacinda can heal the world and help the common folk recover", said Lord James Shaw, "To do that we must discover the evil magic that is behind the spell cast over the land and cut the head off the snake. There is much hidden under the shroud of evil in Uffindell and we must see the lie so we can take counter measures".
"What he's saying is we have to go to Uffindell and save the world", said Mr Louis eyeing up a large bowl of Cat Biscuits that Chlöe was carrying towards him.
"You cannot stay here more than one day or all will be lost", said Lord James Shaw, "You must leave after only a few hours rest."
"Fuck youuu", warbled the Majestic Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT" and all the elves had a good laugh - even Lord James Shaw had a chuckle in his fine green boots.
"Chlöe will journey with you to Uffindell, but there will come a time when G from G News must go alone", said Lady Marama as if she had seen the future and knew something nobody else had seen.
"Now I need to speak with Chippy alone", said Lord James Shaw, "There's been a spate of Ram Raids and its children, poor loveless children, abandoned by their parents and converted by thugs so Lord Luxon wants to lock them up forever.".
"We believe in doing what works", said Chippy.
"OMG Chlöe is coming with us", rejoiced the organic punga sipping on a fertiliser cocktail and listening to the elves singing in the tree tops all around.
"Didn't you hear anything? It's the end of the world of men if we fail", said the flax bush now feeling rather mellow, "Maybe we should have stayed at home, cos where we're going are thugs and bullies and fat economists who make bad predictions?"
"Just look at her shiny hair", said the organic punga more smitten with Chlöe than the Sir John Puppet was with a ponytail.
"Perfect in every way", squeaked the organic punga.
"Good grief", said the flax bush, so over it already.
"Yes it's a nasty shock to hear about the floods and road damage in parts of Aotearoa now, but we were told for three decades all about the dangers of severe Climate Change. We should have listened to the wise - but that evil Sir John Puppet got in the way and poisoned the rivers and killed the fish and belched all that carbon into the sky - and he cast a spell on the people who said he was fabulous", said G from G News looking out over the rail towards the dark, menacing clouds over Uffindell.
What dark evil terms of reference and reports of wrong doing lay out there - none could say for sure, but Lord Luxon's tights grew ever tighter and the media bowed low before him.
"Dark and deep, are the secrets that they keep", said Lady Marama leaving the travellers to rest for just a while, before the next most treacherous part of their journey.
The dangerous journey into Uffindell.
END OF CHPTER 6 - A nasty shock
CHAPTER 7 - A fortunate meeting
The heavy racist hooves of the Nine Slater Nat trolls smashed through the Sharma Grove as no media soap boxes dared to lift their heads above ground when faced with the powerful evil that controlled their masters.
Filthy snot and viral saliva dripped from the nostrils of the giant wild boar that carried the Nine as they crashed on at hurtling speed towards the enchanted Green Woods on the Edge of the Fūck Yōu Forest.
Yet the Company of G News travellers - G from G News, Mr Louis the talking Cat, an organic punga, a flax bush and a majestical Tui - had already left the Green Woods hours ago. Now they made their arduous way on foot across the ugly dark lands on the outskirts of Uffindell.
Chlöe the high Elf of the Green Woods and Sir Chippy the brave Knight from the Realm of Queen Jacinda, led the way across the back country trails, past wilted flowers, dying fresh water fish, choking on nitrogen in toxic streams, dying bees starved of sweetness, and deadly media cutty grass, bending like blades for clicks - as dark clouds of racist malice swirled over the town of Uffindell ahead.
"Behold the Tower of IspinHard", declared Chlöe as they reached the crest of a small rise and could see the land beyond.
"One of Lord Luxon's seven castles", said Chippy shaking his head at the obscene greed Lord Luxon represented when people all over Aotearoa were doing it tough.
"Why don't we just storm the tower, burst in and cut his tiny balls off?", suggested an organic punga, trying to impress Chlöe with a radical action plan, not just endless talk.
"That is not the way", said a flax bush filling his pipe with more white rhino weed.
"This is the way", it said, lighting its pipe and taking a long toke over the line..
"Put that pipe out", said Chlöe urgently, "The Nine will see the smoke from miles away".
It was all about harm reduction really and normally Chlöe would be correct about that. Yet this time lady luck was on the G News travellers side, and for just for a little while yet, fortune favoured the brave and the waft of dreamy smoke drifted into the sky but went unseen.
Little did the travellers know that far behind them - the Nine Slater Nat Trolls had finally reached the Green Woods and as hundreds of factual truth arrows flew like killer weapons from the powerful bows of Green Elf archers high in the trees, the Nine Slater Nat Trolls now reeled back and screamed in horror, as Lady Marama held forth seven Te Reo Whittakers Chocolate Bars in her hands - and compelled the slimy Nat trolls to retreat or be cast out of their incarnate forms again.
Back on the small rise, far away from The Green Woods, the Flax Bush reluctantly put out its pipe, and rolled its eyes - as you do when scolded by a high elf.
G from G News stared hard at the distant Tower of IspinHard, when he heard a strange flapping on the air.
"What is that flapping noise?", said G from G News?
"Shoulda heard it sooner", said Mr Louis.
"Down there", pointed Chippy at a large expanse of Snap Chat quicksand that lay between them and IspinHard, where a huge flapping flounder beat its tail on the mud and flicked through pages of an old world Cabinet manual with its spindly fin.
"Lock up your daughters" warbled the majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT".
"He's leading the campaign to overthrow Queen Jacinda and no media voices will say a word against his lies", said Chlöe.
"I'll smash him my lady, if you wish", said an organic punga.
"Not today Mr Punga", said Chlöe, "Today we must get you to Uffindell".
"Even a fish can avoid trouble if it keeps its mouth shut", said Mr Louis, hoping nobody would be distracted by such a foul large jawed creature with such a tiny crooked mouth.
"My mission is to get you safely into Uffindell", said Chippy, "So we will go around the flapping flounder and we will leave Lord Luxon, wrestling with his ever tightening strangle pants for another day."
So it was that the G News Company ignored the flapping flounder and hurried along the ridge of the small rise, making good distance towards Uffindell over barren lands.
Eventually they walked through small outskirt villages that dotted the salty dead lands until finally, tired and weary - they crossed the moat of the Soyman of ten Brudges into Uffindell.
"So this is Uffindell", said an organic punga looking at a Squid Faced beggar ranting hatred on a Platform made of WFG ( Wright Family Gullibility ).
"Just ignore that tripe" said Chippy leading the way onwards.
The company marched on past the stares and glares of ill favoured thugs and racist bullies, as they made their way towards the centre of town.
This was a place where a bush lawyer named Winston RaceCard had once been Mayor and the mean hearted greed, misogyny and racism still showed in the gullible sour faces of the Jacinda Haters that now beset them on all sides.
"Didn't they just have a by-election here?", asked the organic punga.
"Sam the Bedleg Basher won", said the Flax Bush, "But you know all the fuss that happened when the truth popped up".
"Let's get off the street", said Chippy eyeing some of the unsavoury thugs who now pressed in on the company after hearing the words "Sam the Bedleg Basher" mentioned by the strangers.
Folks were very prickly about that issue in Uffindell.
Chippy opened a door to a greasy spoon named Don'tCryForMeArgentina, a sports bar of sorts.
This was a place that peasants drowned their sorrows at the bar, especially when they lost the local sporting fixtures after being cock sure of a win.
The sound of noses blowing into tissues, crying and sobbing was everywhere inside, along with curses at the coach, and arguments about selections broke into fights along the walls.
"What a pack of know it all boofheads", said an organic Punga.
"Nobody knows what it's like for pea brain know-it-alls to be horribly wrong", said a Flax Bush seeing none here admit a damned thing in pools of self pity.
"Everyone here made bad predictions", said Chloë, "Now they drink in self pity and learn nothing but who else to blame."
"Blame makes sense of Chaos", said Mr Louis taking a seat at the bar and ordering a single malt.
"Hey, it's Brad from the Flat", said G from G News, spying the giant weeping bulk of Brad drinking alone at the end of the bar.
Tears streamed down Brad's heavily made up face, smudging his lipstick - after he wrongly predicted a recession and - after leaping out the window and fleeing for his safety from his bully boy flat mate, Sam the BedLeg Basher of Uffindell.
"Maybe Brad can lead you to the flat?", suggested Chippy, pleased he had gotten G from G News to Uffindell without harm.
Now his mission was complete.
"From this point you must travel alone", said Chippy as he handed out drinks with a cheerful grin.
"You are not leaving us?", wailed an organic punga.
"A mind stretched by new experiences can never go back to its former dimensions', said Mr Louis slugging his first shot and banging down his glass for another.
"We'll share a drink with you, but then we must both depart." said Chippy.
"There is still much work to do to save the land from the evil of the selfish nobility.", said Chlöe.
"And the disinformation in the media that poisons hearts and minds against Queen Jacinda", said Chippy.
"We are needed elsewhere Mr Punga, I know you'll understand", said Chlöe.
"We are grateful for your protection thus far", said G from G News, "We never would have made it this far through PokeMeBro, down the Co-Governance River, through the Fūck Yōu Forest, and across these dead lands without your help and guidance".
"Something tells me the secret plan to overthrow Queen Jacinda is somewhere in that flat" said Mr Louis looking over at Brad between shots.
"I think you might be right", said Chippy with a grin.
"Talking cats are a great deal more perceptive than they are given credit for.", agreed Chlöe with a beautiful smile, which only the adoring eyes of the organic punga really appreciated at that bitter sweet moment.
"Well then, its been a fortunate meeting then", said the organic punga looking across the bar at Brad.
"Best we introduce ourselves".
END OF CHAPTER 7 - A fortunate meeting
CHAPTER 8 - We have ways of making Brad talk
As you may recall G from G news and the company of travellers had gone on an epic mission to discover the plot to overthrow Queen Jacinda by the Selfish Nobility - and after many adventures at the Prancing KnowItAll in PokeMyBro, a lucky escape down the Co-Governance River, a dangerous journey past Sharma Grove in the FārkYōu Forrest and a risky journey to Uffindell - they had arrived in a SportsBar of sorts and spotted Brad from the Flat - weeping over his terrible predictions that were always so wrong.
Tears streamed down Brad's heavily made up face, smudging his lipstick - after he wrongly predicted a recession and - after leaping out the window and fleeing for his safety from his bully boy flat mate, Sam the BedLeg Basher of Uffindell.
Little did he know that G from G News, Mr Louis the talking Cat, an organic punga, a flax bush, a majestical tūī, Chippy the brave Knight of the Realm of Queen Jacinda and Chlöe, high elf of the Green Woods were observing him from across the dingy pub in Uffindell.
"GDP Growth of 1.7%" sobbed Brad as his shoulders wobbled and he shook his head in deep regret.
"Don't be too hard on yourself, every economist is wrong in a pandemic", said an organic punga pulling up a bar stool and seating himself beside Brad with a sympathetic look.
Brad's mouth opened in shock and he stared hard at his drink.
"No it's true, plants can talk when they want to and no you are not crazy, here - look it's a talking flax bush", said the organic punga as the flax bush arrived smoking his pipe.
"So you messed up badly before the whole nation, but look they'll still employ you Brad", said the Flax bush easing onto another bar stool.
"How do you know my name?", said Brad before slapping himself and wailing "I'm talking to plants, I've lost the plot"
"Brad from the flat I presume", said the smooth voice of Chlöe behind him, circling around like silently as the others approached too.
"Who are you people? Oh I recognise him", said Brad looking at Chippy. "You're a long way from home. Best you be getting back to sucking up to Queen Jacinda".
"I will let that pass once Master Brad for you've clearly been under some stress", said Chippy calmly, "But speaking of home - how are things at the flat? I heard you had to leave in a hurry?"
"Who told you that?", said Brad like his business was his own.
"Virtually all of the country knows you had to flee out the window Brad, squealing like a greasy piglet, screaming down the street, waking all the neighbours and you left all those dirty dishes for others - they know all about it thanks to this man here, this is G from G News", said Chippy introducing G to Brad.
Neither said a word, and neither regarded the other with any favour.
"What do you want? Why are you all here?" demanded Brad getting to his feet, but Chippy's hand was upon his shoulder and thrust Brad forcefully back down into his seat.
"We just want some information" said Chlöe leaping over the bar and and magically pouring Brad a sparkling pint in less than three seconds, "What's in it for you is a free drink of this Old Green Dragon or...
"Or what?", spluttered Brad who had more than enough dosh to buy his own drinks...and no time for this rabble.
What happened next none can tell but some say a small brown shape moved so fast no human eye could see it clearly... and the sound barrier boomed and split the air as the shape whirred around the walls of the room in a speeding blur of fury like an electron in a particle accelerator. Light streaks trailed off the speeding object and time warped as photons sparked and the furious ball of fluff came out of hyper drive ...and suddenly ...out of nowhere Mr Louis' killer sabre claw was at Brad's throat...
"Or I will let Mr Louis the talking cat have his way with you", said Chlöe placing the pint of Old Green Dragon down on the bar before Brad's sweaty face.
"Where is the flat Brad?", said Mr Louis pressing his claw to Brad's pasty skin.
Although only seconds passed a small drop of fear ran down Brad's brow and splashed on the old wooden bar top as his shifty eyes processed his options.
"Alright, I'll show you where the flat is", said Brad, "After I drink this beer".
"See I told you he would help us", laughed the flax bush.
"Good one Brad", laughed the organic Punga.
"For he's a jolly good fellow", cried a majestical Tui before yelling "YEAH RIGHT" and pecking at Brad's very expensive shiny shoe laces.
"Drink up then", cried Chippy, "And then we'll all go there with you, before we go our seperate ways"
So it was that some time later Brad from the flat led the company out the back of the dingy bar and down a quiet alleyway as they made the journey through narrow streets towards the other side of Uffindell - where Sam the Bedleg Basher was known to be still residing.
"I wonder if Sam the BedLeg basher will be home?", whispered an organic punga.
"I'd keep well clear if I were you", said a flax bush smoking his pipe, "Some things never change."
A truer word had never been spoken.
END OF CHAPTER 8 - We have ways of making Brad talk
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